Please, Neuralyze Me – Men In Black: International

Sometimes you just know a movie is going to be bad before you walk in the door. Such was the case with the latest installment in the MIB franchise…the trailer wasn’t even funny and if it were solely up to me I wouldn’t have spent the time or money to find out. I had zero interest. In this case, it wasn’t solely up to me so I got to see the trainwreck up close and personal. Men in Black: International is a hollow knock off of the original series that manages to miss the mark in almost all the key areas.

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This movie was so bad it’s tough to pinpoint where exactly things went wrong, so let’s start with something positive. The production design by Charles Wood top notch, exactly what you’d expect: flashy, colorful, and imaginative but shamelessly self-indulgent. Part of that was trying to hide the numerous other glaring flaws but some of these visual effects shots have no purpose. Here’s an example: Tessa Thompson’s character heads into the train station below MIB headquarters in New York and hops aboard an ordinary subway car only to have it transform into the most futuristic train you could imagine. That’s cool and all but it just runs between MIB locations so there is no reason for the subterfuge in the first place, it’s not like she went into some random NY subway station. Or the world renowned dancing twins, Larry and Laurent Bourgeois, who were heavily featured in the trailer but seemingly hired for a single dance scene and then relegated to speechless roles. That’s the kind of misguided and malnourished script we’re dealing with here. Matt Holloway and Art Marcum wrote Iron Man for F’s sake but it’s been a bit of a gradual downhill slide ever since, resulting in one of the absolute worst screenplays I’ve seen make it to theaters in quite some time. It’s not funny or paced well and it’s just felt dumb…that’s really the foundation for where things went wrong.

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F. Gary Gray is a good director with a strong resume (Straight Outta Compton, Friday, The Italian Job) but this is probably going to be one he wants to forget. Even with the rumored re-writes, I’m not sure what he really could have done with this script other than maybe get us through it quicker. If anything, Gray has helmed enough big projects to know how things are going on set and he should have sensed there was something wrong. Chris Hemsworth, one of the most charismatic and recognizable celebrities on the planet right now, seemed completely uninspired throughout the whole movie which made things tough on Thompson who was clearly trying. The two have a history together in the MCU but you’d never guess it from this movie. It’s almost as if they had issues off camera that bled into the filming. I’m not saying that’s what actually happened, that’s just what it felt like. Odds are, the studio compensated all three of these individuals handsomely for their troubles but this is far from their best work. 

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Thankfully Kumail Nanjiani was there to deliver the comic punch that was missing basically everywhere else. His little alien, Pawny, was easily the best part of the movie and he actually made things work better between Hemsworth and Thompson. The dynamic between the three of them was a massive improvement and, in hindsight, he should have been brought into the picture sooner. Rafe Spall was the other bright spot playing a rival MIB agent. The bickering between him and Hemsworth was childish and redundant but still managed to be some of the better material. If it weren’t for the ridiculously obvious plot there could have been room for some actual character development on Spall’s part. If there are any future sequels down the road, the studio should keep these two around and consider ditching the rest. 

There have been a lot of disappointing sequels so far this summer but MIB International takes the proverbial cake. Thanks to a strong global box office performance, $129-million so far, the studios were able to recover from an underwhelming domestic gross. Since there are likely to be sequels going forward, I would like to suggest converting the intellectual property and rights into a television format. Just an idea.

Recommendation: Don’t waste your time and/or money on this as I did. This movie has a lot of weaknesses without any considerable strengths and I’ll never get that two-hours back. Too bad there wasn’t a post-credits scene where the whole audience was Neuralyzed and convinced we saw a better movie. 

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